After the message
by believeinfaeries13
Summary: Shepard thinks she's over Kaidan until she receives a message that makes her realize how wrong she was.


Prompt: You come home and check your phone messages. You get to your third message and freeze. Begin from there.

After I finished reading the message from Kaidan, I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe he said all of that. As usual, he had left a way out, not committing to anything. Using maybes and perhaps. Telling me he'd tried to move on. He had been pretty adamant on Horizon that he thought I had betrayed him and the Alliance. After all that he had said, I couldn't believe he still thought I wanted to talk to him. And what I really hated was that I did want to talk to him. I needed him like I needed oxygen. And I hated that. I hated feeling like I wasn't complete without someone else.

When I got back from Horizon, I had waited 'til I got in the elevator to completely fall apart. I couldn't let the crew see how messed up I was. They couldn't see me fall apart. I'd lost it as soon as I stepped out of the elevator. I was so angry and so hurt. Sobbing, I had punched the wall next to my door so hard that I think I might have fractured my knuckle. Good thing for those cybernetic implants. It had finally stopped hurting when he sent me that blasted message. I was fine and then he sent this message!

I slammed my fist down on my console and Yeoman Chambers jumped.

"Ma'am?" Her voice concerned. She looked at me from her station next to the map.

"Everything's fine, Kelly. I'm going to go feed my fish." I brushed her off as I headed towards the elevator.

How bloody freakin' annoying was it for Cerberus to assign me a Yeoman that was also a counselor. I was always worried that she was analyzing my every move and decision and then reporting it back to the Illusive Man. I couldn't stand him. And now, he has taken the one thing I really cared about away from me. When he had asked about my "previous relationships" after Horizon, I had wished that he hadn't been a holo because I would have punched that smug look off his face faster than a salarian conversation.

I reached the Loft and sat down at my desk, the holo of Kaidan flickering on. My heart squeezed in my chest and I slid a finger across the screen. That was when everything hit me. Kaidan had been out with another woman. He'd moved on. It may have been two years for him, but it had only been a few weeks for me. The feelings I had developed for him in the SR-1 hadn't gone anywhere, I still loved him with all my heart. And he had moved on. That crushed me and I hated that it did. I was supposed to be this strong, unaffected person who nothing can touch, that was such a load of shit. I was still human. I cradled my head on the desk and sobbed for a while.

Eventually, I stopped and sat up. I knew Kaidan deserved an answer. So I pulled up my messenger on my omni-tool and started writing;

_Kaidan,_

_You know who I am, what I stand for. Why can't you trust me?_

_I miss you so much, it's like there's a hole in my heart. _

_I can't believe that you would get angry at me like that._

_How dare you say that I've changed?_

_I'm not angry at you, but _

_Once this is all over, I want to see you too. _

_Shepard_

I wrote and erased message after message. How do you tell someone that you love them but your mission is more important? Saving the entire galaxy was more important than one relationship that might or might not be rekindled. I wanted so desperately to be angry at him, but I couldn't be. The world had always been black and white to Kaidan. He didn't see the grey that I did. I knew Cerberus was evil. I knew that I can't trust a single thing the Illusive Man said. But they brought me back, so I couldn't hate them. They had given me a second chance to see Kaidan.

I stared at the send button for what felt like ages. He had moved on. I didn't want to mess up his life any more than I already had. My message back would only further derail his life, especially if we didn't survive taking out the Collectors. To give him hope that I wanted to get back with him, hope for a future, and then to die a second time would be the gravest of offenses.

When the SR-1 was destroyed, I had thought that was the end. As the air escaped from my suit, the last scent I remembered was the smell of Kaidan's aftershave that had clung to my clothing that morning. Deep and heady and completely intoxicating.

I missed that smell. I missed the way his voice liquefied my insides. I missed the way his rough fingertips had drawn lazy designs on my back as I laid with my head on his chest. I missed the taste of his kisses. And most of all, I missed watching him wake up and smile at me like I was the only person in the entire galaxy.


End file.
